Kinda Like a Hippie

What kind of mom am I?

I think I'm a bad mom. I can't go to the cemetery. I want to go. I plan to go. But, I don't go. Oh, I have gone, but it's been awhile.

So, what kind of mom am I if I can't even go visit the grave of my own son? My son who was my whole world during his short time here. The one who altered my existence from person to mom.

If there are no fresh flowers and it looks unattended will people think I have forgotten him? I haven't. Will they think I want to? I don't. That I have moved on and I have better things do to? I have moved on, because I am still alive, but he is with me always. And yes, almost anything qualifies as better than going to the grave of your child.

I try to go. I tell myself that I will go on his death date, on his birthday, on Dia de los Muertos, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter... ... now here we are at Memorial Day. I should go. I should take flowers. I have planned it in my head. There will be other people there. I know Will is not there, at that particular piece of ground with that beautiful, tragic granite stone. Yet, it is the symbol of memoralizing him here on earth. Damn, written in stone is hard to see though. I want to do this. I want to be a good, strong mom for him (and an example to my other son).

I am planning to go tomorrow. I really am. But, I know from past experience I may not make it. I know that I may drive almost there and when I start to get hot, and my heart starts to beat faster and it is hard to swallow and the skin down my spine starts to crawl that I might not turn down that drive and go through that gate.

What kind of mom am I? 

I love you, Will.

But I am just not the right kind of mom for cemeteries.

Adoption saved my life

Really, I am not sure I would be around to type this if I had not adopted my son when I did. I will write that story down some day. But, I will say that after Will died I was not ready to stop being a mom, and thankfully I was lucky and didn't have to. I am the luckiest human. I got the perfect kid twice!

I have learned so much about every aspect of adoption over the last eight years, much of it from boards and blogs on the internet. Someday I will write more about how my thinking has been broadened.

Today I will just offer others an ooportunity to read some other perspectives and stories. Adventures in Daily Living is doing an adoption round up. I got the link from Worth The Wait.  Mine could not be called an adoption blog, but I do mention it every now and then, and I am eternally grateful for that fact in my life, so... I joined in.

If you are interested,or have an adoption post you would like to link to, check it out.

Here's "the reason I get up in the morning" performing in the 3rd grade choir program at his school last night.

The internet bean berry berry good to me.

I love the internet. If the internet was a god I would be on my knees giving thanks. And not just because I am a researchhead (not by trade-- just because I am wierd that way) and it has made my existence so much more fulfilling. Now I can just meander from topic to topic, site to site in my own little concentrationally challenged way from the comfort of my own home. No more hanging out like a friendless person in public libraries searching through microfiche.

No, I have even bigger reasons to thank the internet powers that be and cyber karma. When I get to thinking about my life, most roads lead back here (and that includes you).

I found the joy of my life on the internet. Okay, I had some help, and someone else pointed out his picture (that's a story for another day), but it was on my computer on a site I had saved. One look at the boy's picture and 5 months later he was in my arms. That was 8 years ago. I couldn't ask for anything better.

And The Boyfriend. Met him on Matchdotcom. Signed up on a whim at the urging of a friend while at her house (even used her credit card), wrote a flip profile and thought that was the end of it. Now, here we are 4.5 years later and one of us is wearing a pretty dang nice ring.

And friends, did you know you can make friends on the internet? Well, yeah I know, some of you did know that. Back in '99 when I was in the process of adopting my son from Moldova I joined an Eastern European Adoption bulletin board. I met many helpful and kind people on that board, many people whom I wish I lived next door too, people I wish I had kept in better contact with since the demise of that particular forum. However, I did do one thing right. I kept this friend.

We have visited each other several times over the years. I have been to her home and she has been to mine, even though she lives in Michigan and I am in Texas. This picture was taken when we met up in Chicago in Feb.

I have another group of friends that trace our beginning back to that same time in 1999. After I learned about bulletin boards I lurked a lot on some at iVillage, and eventually started posting and interacting. To make a long story at least a little shorter ... after several branching off times there is now a group of us that post regulary to each other on a small private board. We have become pretty close over the last couple of years and dependent on that daily contact with one another. We have never met in person, I have never even heard the voice of any of these friends (I have seen pictures), yet I know so much about them. And, Yipppeee! Finally this summer some of us are getting together "in real life" (although our board is pretty dang real). I am beyond excited. I can't wait to see my friends.

Now, I am finding that the world of blogs is opening up new avenues for all kinds of things. Perhaps it is just my nosy voyeur tendencies coming out, but I love the glimpses into other people's lives. There are so many varieties of blogs and I love that diversity right at my finger tips.

One of the first blogs I started reading was written by my friend with the camera pictured above, but she no longer updates that one (bummer). And then I started branching out. Boy did I branch, and it has been so fun.

One of the blogs I found early on, and I can't remember how, was Trevor's Blog. I count Trevor among my personal friends now. I've learned a lot from him and I have met him in person. I was lucky enough to schedule a speaking engagement with him for the middle school where I teach. 

My newest blog experience has been with crafting and artsy type blogs. Again I have no idea the roads and links I took to stumble upon all of these wonderful things. See, adventure here at home, one of the multitude of gifts from the internet gods (and when you live in the sticks you can really appreciate this).

I was reading a blog one day that had a link to another blog, Piece of Mind, that was having a contest. All you had to do was leave a comment to be eligible to win a prize. So I did. And I won!! I was over the moon. Soon I had a box of lovely goodies, that seemed chosen just for me, sent all the way from Canada. Oh, the blogging benefits!

And most recently my world has been introduced to Swaps. I saw it here on Queenly Things. The queen offered an open invitation to an ATC swap and I entered. Unfortunately the blogger I was matched with is in the process of moving and has not been able to send me her new address, so I still have mine and have not received one from her yet. I am sure it will be cool and I will post a pic when it arrives. Even without the exchange it has been fun so far. I was prompted to actually sit down to do something creative beyond cupcakes for Cub Scouts. One of the stipulations was to mount the ATC. Here is my final product.

Thrills In large or small sizes. We have the technology! Thank you Mr. Internet Inventor. (I know I should Google that for a specific, but I prefer the godlike anonimity.)

Because I couldn't resist

I took a couple more pictures of the courthouse the other day. It was just so pretty, and the sun was shining, and I was stopped in traffic (yes we do have that on main street) at the light, and I just happened to have my camera next to me on the seat. These were taken out the window of my Chevy Silverado.

Okay, I swear there was traffic-- it was all in front of and behind me. We were waiting for the light to change. Right after I took this they started coming in that lane and I couldn't get anymore. Really. Then the sun set and they rolled up the sidewalks.  Just kidding. We have half a dozen bars on main street alone. We're a cute little drinking town.

Still feelin' the love

Even though it is really late on Love Thursday, I'm going to post with that in mind. Love lingers on, right?

I love the courthouse in my town. We are the county seat, so this is a county courthouse. It is a beautiful old building. Well over 100 years old, made of native stone. The top has just been refurbished and painted to what is believed to be very close to the original colors. Since I have been here (16 years now), until this spring it was silver on top- painted that in the '70's to protect it somehow. I always thought it was wonderful and have taken other pictures over the years. It is more wonderfuller now!!

Love spring and love old buildings. It gives me a good feeling everytime I see the courthouse now. And you can see it from many, many places in town.

To enjoy more of Love Thursday any day of the week check out Love Is All Around.

Be gentle, it's my first time

I have been tagged for a meme. My first one. My online friend, Blog Antagonist , has asked that I divulge 10 quirky things about myself. Be afraid, be very afraid.

1. I don't like for my face to be wet. It's just something about the water running down it that bugs me I guess. I have to have a towel hanging over the shower door or curtain to wipe my face on after washing my hair and during the shower.

2. Body hair bugs me. (Okay, only my body hair bugs me. The boyfriend is very hairy and I like it on him.) I shave everything everyday, winter and summer. Legs all the way up, pits, and bikini area, oh and even the tops of my toes and feet. I don't even know if hair grows there, but once, when I was about 18, I seem to remember seeing some there. If I take more than one shower a day I will probably shave at each one. 

3. I am a bookaholic. Really, I don't know when to stop. I have bags and stacks of books that I have not read and if I see a book sale or go into a bookstore I will not be able to resist the urge to purchase. I have not counted, but I know that if I read a book a week just from the unread ones in my house it would take more than a year to finish (maybe two - I'm afraid to count). I almost never read a book more than once, and I do not keep all of the books I read. But it is hard to get rid of some that I really love even when I know I will not read them again. So I have a few books that I keep just because, but most of the books in my house are ones in waiting. I dream of having bookcaases filled with them and just looking at them knowing I could pick one anytime I want.

4. I don't do math. I can do math, at least basic math, but I don't like to. I don't like puzzles of any kind and math reminds me of a puzzle. I avoid it. I have never balanced a checkbook in my life. I do write the checks down, but not all of the Debit card uses. I just kind of know when I am getting close and then I check. However, odd as it may seem, I love science (and things do to with the medical field) and I always score really high in it. I am certified to teach secondary science because I passed the state test. I got to teach it for one year and then 3 teachers left from the Language Arts dept. and I got moved back. Usually people think of math and science as going together, but not with me.

5. I love Muhammad Ali. I used to have a Muhammad Ali shrine in my house. Okay, maybe not a real shrine, but I used to have all my Ali stuff out. I put it up when I had kids. He is my hero. I have an Ali doll my parents bought me when I was in high school. I have been a fan that long.

6. I have almost every line of the original Chevy Chase Vacation movie memorized. I don't know why. It just happened. I can crack myself up just thinking about them, and often they pop up in my conversations, along with quotes from M.A.S.H.

7. I somehow live under the delusion that I have a different lifestyle than I do, and I buy stuff for that life. I have lots of china and glassware for entertaining and I buy tablecloths and napkins and things for the kitchen as if I am going to be entertaining. I buy craft projects and cookbooks as well, as if I have time to pursue those endeavors. And I don't really even like to cook. I guess I think if I have enough cookbooks I will find one that makes it easy and fun.

8. I have to have my own pillow to sleep. I take it with me if I have to spend the night somewhere. It's down so it smooshes up pretty well. It even goes to Europe or other long trips with me. I will sacrifice a lot of other comforts, but not my pillow.

9. I have a sort of internal clock. When I go to sleep I can say to myself that I need to wake up at 5:00 and I will. It's not just my regular schedule either. I can lie down to take a nap and pick the time I want to wake up or I can be driving and pull over and tell myself I can sleep for 20 minutes and I will. If I need to get up an hour or two earlier I just think it before going to bed. I have no idea how that works! I always set my alarm though.

10. I like to eat Maraschino cherries straight out of the jar.

Okay, so that's 10 quirky things about me. I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg! If you ask people who know me I'm pretty sure they would tell you I am one giant quirk.

I don't really have anyone to tag that hasn't already been tagged, so if you are reading this and feel the urge to share your quirkiness, leave a comment and I will link to you. I know I would love read it!

Edited to add: Sorry, I have been informed that comments are not working. I have e-mailed and am working to get that fixed. The one time I mention leaving a comment and now no one can!

What I made in Welding class

I'm so excited. And I love it. I had so much fun. Here it is. Do you know what it is?

It's the neurons of my brain after a really bad day.Just kidding (maybe).

It's a bottle tree!

Well, it's a sorta, not quite finished bottle tree. I plan to wrap copper and aluminum wire around the "trunk" and colored wire with some glass beads around the "branches". And of course I have to collect some more bottles of varying shades and sizes, but that will be fun now that I have my own bottle tree.

I think I will let it live on the front porch. What do you think? Here it is - unfinished for now, but still fun in all its rebar-esque splendor.

And these?

Well... these are the pieces that fell off because my welds weren't right. Pay no attention to these. And let's just say, I'll remember to not go work on any roller coasters this week.

(Well, yes, mine was the only bottle tree in class. Everyone else made hog traps, and horse feeders and grills and the like. Snore. They'll be sorry when they have nothing to protect them from evil spirits. )